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The Super Bowl Can No Longer Entertain an Overstimulated Nation

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Let the record show: Football is dead, and ’twas boredom that killed the beast.

Dave Holmes, Esquire

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Feb 4, 2019 | The Patriots just won Super Bowl LIII, and I can’t imagine a world in which even they themselves are excited about it. The game itself was a long, languorous, low-scoring snoozer that had America begging for a dilly-dilly, and the pageantry surrounding it was like a dial tone turned all the the way up. I’ll put it this way: when the highlight of the Super Bowl is thirty near-silent seconds of Andy Warhol delicately dipping a plain Whopper into a small puddle of Heinz ketchup, this nation is in turmoil.

The night began pleasantly enough, with a performance of “God Bless America” by Chloe Multiplied By Halle, who are nominated for Best New Artist in next weekend’s Grammy awards. That awards ceremony will be aired by CBS, and hosted by Alicia Keys, who it appears will be doing comedy, because America has truly lost its way. Gladys Knight then sang “The Star-Spangled Banner,” and did not take a knee, because of course she did not take a knee, because clearly NFL snipers were stationed throughout the Mercedes-Benz Stadium. She did however do the “land of the freeEEEE” thing that all singers have been required by federal law to do since 1992.

Dave Holmes, Esquire, gives advice on sex, relationships, career, and life in a weekly column.


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